Semi-approval from a porn fiend’s semi

From the Department of Things Normal People Just Know But I Had to Learn by Having My Day Ruined*: Don’t read online comments, SPECIFICALLY the ones on porn featuring women of a similar size/shape to you.

“Not bad for a chubby chick,” says some 45-year-old serial masturbator in his mother’s basement.

If I ever write a book, I want “Not bad for a chubby chick” to be the review blurb on the cover. Wait, actually…yeah, that’ll be the title.

If I may borrow from a Chris Rock bit: “Yeah, I got a gut — there’s some good pussy under this gut.” Can you say the same about your dick, Rando Calrissian?

* Kidding — my day can’t really be ruined by people who comment on porn.

Hunting the rare and elusive uniporn

Holy shit, you guys. I think I’ve found some sort of porn holy grail.

Lots of kissing; equal and enthusiastic oral for both parties; no spitting; normal-shaped woman with the cutest tummy curve and a great ass; reasonably attractive man with a big yet non-threatening dick; enough talking/sounds to convey appreciation and a good time being had by all, but no obviously fake, exaggerated noises or commentary; perfect line walked between request and command from both participants; dude moaning a bit in her ear and grabbing her ass, hips, shoulders, neck, and hair; believable-enough orgasms (multiple!) for the lady; and his first move was to bend her over.

And I am just enough of a narcissist to be really into the fact that the woman moves and sounds like I do.

It’s like a unicorn of porn — it’s a uniporn.

Ahem… Um… So… I have to go, uhhhh… take care of a few things… It’s pretty important…

(Hey, you fix bad days your way, I fix them mine.)

The Internet is for Porn!

Group text:

Friend 1: “I feel like in the last few years I’m really ‘feeling’ my hormones.”
Friend 2: “I spent the better part of this morning crying. I’m ovulating. I am my hormones’ bitch.”
Me: “I always feel hormonal, too. It’s new, I didn’t used to. It’s fucking irritating. I might have to accept that I’m just insane. To that end, I want low-dose Zoloft in my drinking water.”
Friend 1: “That would be amazing! In the Divergent series, one of the factions basically does that. They put some calming drug in the bread to keep the people calm and happy.”
Me: “They do it in Serenity, too, in the air. Everyone dies, though, so results may vary, I guess.”
Friend 2: “And some become crazy murder machines. I’m still 15 minutes away from finishing Divergent book one. I had to get past my anger at a character death I knew was coming. Internet spoilers. :(”
Friend 1: “Stupid internet. What’s it good for?”
Me: “Porn? Passive aggression? More porn?”
Friend 2: “Time wasting? And yes, SO MUCH PORN.”
Friend 1: “Porn is awesome.”

Who wants to read my romance novel?

After that goddamn debacle o’porn yesterday, screw this, I’m writing my own. I can’t do any worse than referring to a guy’s cock as “his craft.” (Heh. Cock-craft. I can’t decide if that would be a penis-shaped aircraft, or crafts you do on a dick, like covering it with glitter or bedazzling it or some shit.)

Anyway. Here’s MY sample passage: “Her kisses were needful, urgent, hungry. She kissed with her entire body — soft sounds of pleasure, wandering hands, hips pressed into his. Logic supplanted by instinct, desire overtaking shyness. She pulled away slowly and crawled on to the bed, arching her back, looking over her shoulder at him defiantly, daring him to resist.”

I get a little tingle in my bottom just reading it, but I’m the first to admit that might be an ego boner.