My body is NOT a winter wonderland.

Eh. I don’t know. Do you have the spring boyfriends in yet? I’m slightly crazier in the winter, plus there’s all that driving and family time and spending money on gifts and meals between now and Valentine’s.

My dating representative — Public Consumption Smug — is currently busy hermiting under a mountain of blankets. The only way I’d be down for “Netflix and chill” is in the literal sense — I have popcorn and bourbon cider, you bring the movie. I will wear my finest pajamas and will even locate MATCHING fuzzy socks.

This is my game at this point, y’all.

Joking aside, were there a man on this couch, I’m pretty sure I could summon the energy to have ill-advised sex with him, assuming he could get it up on spec for the presumptive bounty lurking beneath the Temple hoodie and yoga pants. #SexyAndIKnowIt

I love the implication that it’s just THAT easy to “claim” a man who’ll deal with me, and me with him, long enough to get promoted to “boyfriend.” See, what you have here, Hinge, is applicants for the “seasonal help wanted” sign on my vagina. That’s not a boyfriend, sweetie, that’s a temp — he’d be filling an opening. Like at the Gap (heh). Stop trying to make it all rom-com.

Now 50% more self-absorbent!

I downloaded an app to track my menstrual cycle and it’s asking me to add a profile photo.  

Uhhh, thanks, I’m good. This isn’t a thing I need to be social-networky about.

Also, um… Would that be a photo of my face or of my vagina? If we’re taking photos of my vagina, I’m gonna need to go to Glamour Shots or something. This can’t be of those “Shot on an iPhone 6” deals you see on billboards. I can’t selfie that, I need a pro. Studio space, flattering lighting…

What Instagram filter would work best for that? Probably one of the black and white ones, so it’ll look artsy, or, ooh, Earlybird would be good — my vagina would look all mellow and groovy.

I realize they’re not really requesting photos of my lady garden. But once I started thinking about vaginal Glamour Shots, my brain ran with it.

Though, if I could get an ultrasound printout of the whole uterus, etc., kit and caboodle, I guess that would be most accurate.

Also, I Googled “Sapphic selfie,” and apparently it’s a thing. Mostly on Tumblr (obvs).