“No worries. If you miss the O train, it’ll come again in 5 minutes or so.”

Pro tip: If your OkCupid username is “fun_not_long,” my brain goes to the filthiest and most unflattering place possible for you.

Yeah, yeah, “size doesn’t matter” — tell that to the guy I dated who was SO secure in that notion that he brought a compensatory Magic Wand* to our FIRST (and only) sexual encounter.

Digression 1: I was not at all displeased with the Magic Wand — it’s named that for a reason. If I didn’t already own two pricey sex toys that get the job done just fine, with a portion of my forthcoming (heh) tax refund earmarked for a third because it looks SUPER fun, I’d be all over (heh) the Magic Wand.

Digression 2: Now my brain is wandering to memories of that Magic Wand experience (my first), during which I learned about orgasm denial, and why it’s a thing. A thing that man was impressively skilled at doing to me. A thing I wish he hadn’t just decided to DO to me without warning the first time we slept together, because I was ready to murder him, but a thing that worked out incredibly well for me in the end. I have no idea how he could tell when I was JUST about to, or if it was just a lucky guess, but damn. Dude was like the Orgasm Whisperer. 

Digression 3: This is not a good train of thought at work. Though my mental image of said train barreling full-speed through a tiny, tense tunnel is a hilarious metaphor.

 

*I linked to the Walmart site only because I am infinitely amused you can buy it there.

“Thoughts and prayers…”

After I saw this, I tried watching Jeselnik’s whole special on Netflix. I made it through 5 minutes and turned it off because I just didn’t find it funny.

But I did enjoy this particular bit. From the fetal position under my desk. Weeping for humanity. Again.

Deep Throat Thoughts

Via Cosmo and the ever-brilliant Anna Breslaw: 14 Things the Average Woman Thinks While Giving a Blowjob

My thoughts are usually (in no particular order):
1. “Am I doing OK? Is this working for him?”
2. “Ooh. He made a happy noise. Keep doing what made that happen.”
3. “Look how happy he is! For the honor of Grayskull, I have the POWER!”
4. “I hope he believes in reciprocity.”
5. “Ugh, would it be totally unsexy to put my hair in a ponytail so it stops going in my mouth? Yes, it would. Goddammit.”
6. “Gahhhhh, ow, fucking carpal tunnel!”
7. In the style of Larry Kubiak: “Sex now?”