I see a lot of guys on OkCupid who use selfies as profile pics. Sometimes mirror ones. Often the mirror is dirty.
I have questions.
First, don’t you own Windex? Vinegar? A ShamWow? I can’t get naked in your home if your mirror is all bedaubed with toothpaste remnants. I’m a lady, dammit. Plus it’ll turn into that “Big Bang Theory” episode where Sheldon can’t sleep because Penny’s apartment is messy: “I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom is our living room, and just outside our living room is that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway is…THIS!” And I am damn sure not cleaning while you sleep.
Second, don’t you have ANY photos someone else took? Do you have friends? Only two of my six profile pics are selfies: a really cute one taken post-haircut/color, and one mirror one I took after work so I’d have a really recent pic. The caption says: “With apologies for the mirror selfie, this is what I look like after work.” (Not at all true — after work I put on yoga pants and put my hair in a ponytail. But I’ll never let any of these dudes see that.)
Some guys have like 10 selfies, but only ONE facial expression, so it’s like Flat Stanley or the Twilight chick — the same face in various settings. “Here I am at home. Here I am at work. Here I am in a bar. Here I am in a PUBLIC restroom mirror, just for a bit of added class. That’s right, ladies… Behold.”
Note to self: Go to yoga. You like yoga. You need yoga.
Ahem… I SUPER don’t want to go. It’s “New Moon yoga” at 7:45, but because I am 100 years old, that might as well be midnight.
Can’t I just welcome the new moon, like, at home in yoga PANTS?
Besides, the new moon already happened this month, and I honestly don’t even know what a new moon signifies. I know it’s about cycles, so…does it have to do with my period? When you Google “new moon,” “Twilight” movies come up, so fuck the new moon.
How ’bout I just go home and make new moon nachos? Nachos are HELLA zen. I bet I can find all my inner peace with nachos.