In which I equate my vagina with a Slip ‘N Slide

There’s a “self summary” section at the top of each OkCupid profile. The end of mine says: “I’m attracted to friends and romantic prospects who use their words. I don’t know what to do with first messages that only say ‘hey’ or ‘hi,’ and will delete them immediately. But getting them at least helps me quickly discern who’s reading about me as an actual human, versus who just looks at photos and wants to do naked things to me.”

On average, I still get one “hey,” “hi,” or “hello” each day. Almost always lowercase, no punctuation.

Since no one reads it, anyway, I might as well include the REAL explanation: “I am incredibly turned on by wit and language, and you can transform my ladybits into the world’s best/worst Slip ‘N Slide just by giving good email. Just ‘hi’ not only keeps my panties ON, it makes me want to go to JCPenney and buy some of those high-top beige cotton draw’s that, on a person as short as I am, can be pulled up far enough to tuck the waistband under my bra and fashion a really upsetting onesie. Use your words, be nice to servers, nibble the back of my neck, tend to my vagina with gusto, know what ‘gusto’ means, get yourself laid.”

I’m really not a difficult puzzle to solve.

You use your words, I’ll use your penis.

I can’t stand first messages on OkCupid that only say, “Pretty.”

You obviously think I’m pretty. The subtext of every online dating message is, “Hello. I find you attractive enough that I’d like to apply my penis to you in some way.” You could’ve shouted “pretty” from a moving car — it’s an online catcall. What else ya got? 

Similarly, messages that just say “hey” or “hi.” What am I supposed to do with that? You may as well have just grunted at me.

I don’t have many dealbreakers, but the ability to construct a half-decent sentence is a big one. In the past 5 years I’ve known three men I could’ve easily dated and gotten naked with for at least a year. The only thing they had in common was that they were quick-witted, smart, and good conversationalists, which made them IMMENSELY sexy. (OK, fine — they were also all adept at fingering.) I don’t need a writer, I don’t need flawless grammar. But I’m turned on by words, and men who use them, especially behind a keyboard, where you have time to craft. So I’m not settling for “hey.”

Addendum: As I was writing this post, a first message came in that said, “Hey baby. Mmm” — sweet merciful shit, are you kidding me? I AM A LADY, MOTHERFUCKER!

“Check, baby, check, baby, 1, 2, 3, 4…”

Sorry, no, you can’t fuck me once you’ve used the word “thingy.” It’s in the Smug bylaws — paragraph 6, subsection B, clause 3. Right after “Your Smug will stop everything and dance when she hears ‘Rump Shaker.'”

Sorry, my hands are tied. (Ahem. This is also in the bylaws.)

Can’t close the deal, can’t open my legs.

I’m growing a little weary of having to tell grown-ass men to use their words.

Gentlemen, this is not cute. You’re trying to get a date, not nuclear secrets. If I didn’t want you to ask, I wouldn’t have said I was free. But you actually have to ask, not just pussyfoot around. Don’t establish we’re both available and then stop talking and make ME take the next step.

I should have held out to see how long it would take him to ask an actual question. I waited about half an hour to see if there’d be a followup text. No dice.

Yes, I’m a modern woman, but goddamn, come correct. Pitch some woo. What you’re doing is worse than a seventh-grader asking a girl to a dance using a “yes or no?” note — at least that’s an answerable question.

PSA: Enough with Emoticons, Already

People? This…?

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜›

…is not a response. To anything. It’s not even a response to, “Draw me four emoticons.” (The correct response to THAT is, “Why the shit would you want me to do that?”)

Use your words. We’re adults.

Sincere flattery is the sincerest form of flattery.

I can’t speak for all women, but I personally have never objected to a random midday text that simply says, “Hi. You’re pretty.”

For me, it does get a bit old (and verge on insincere) when it happens TOO often, particularly when the guy isn’t bright enough to think of words other than “pretty.”

But for the moment, squee.

Use Your Words

Part of an email I sent to a friend:

“I’ve actually always loved that about older books, the emphasis on words and writing as an aspect of courtship. It’s part of the reason I’m such a sucker for You’ve Got Mail (don’t judge).

“I realize it doesn’t translate exactly to modern relationships, but I can’t abide suitors who can’t write at least coherently, keep my ADD interest, and make me laugh with words.”