I’m impressed with my suddenly seemingly stronger constitution, which did allow me to cry about my hurt feelings every chance I got for 36 hours, but then suddenly it was like, “Hey, you know what? Fuck you, Person Who Hurt Me,” and then there were pancakes and a new vibrator and everything was kind of OK again.
P.S. Oh, eat a dick, iPhone. You know good goddamn well what I meant, you judgey whore.
Great news, you guys — I’m getting married!
His name is Nova, which translated loosely from the Spanish means: “You ain’t gon’ be able to go NOwhere when we’re done.”
We’re registered at Bed Bath & Beyond, but we really only need extra bedsheets and towels, so y’all best hustle to make sure no one snags the good stuff and leaves you stuck with, like, one lone pillow sham.
Oh, and if you could also send the traditional celebration pizza now, that’d be super. I’m STARVING, but I can’t move, and Nova’s not so great in the kitchen. But no matter — he’s my best friend and my soulmate, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him. ❤️
Continuing a theme…
While a friend was visiting today, she showed me how the new vibrator works — turns out I was using the wrong power button, so the moral of the story is that I can’t even turn on a battery-operated dick.
(I’m done with the theme now, I think. I’m cute as hell, I just thought all this was funny.)
So, funny story: Last night I go to turn on the vibratey bit of the sex toy, and… it doesn’t work. It’s charged, it just doesn’t work.
I’m trying not to take it personally that even a vibrator can’t get it up for me.
#MockCockBlocked
I was emailing a friend, and I typed “vibrator” too quickly and my phone autocorrected it to “buckaroo.”
Don’t think I didn’t just re-name my Lelo “Buckaroo.” Actually, “Fuck-her-hoo” is probably funnier.
Giddy up, Fuckherhoo!
Oh. Well, as it turns out, Valentine’s Day WON’T be just me and a vibrator. Interesting…
You guys have fun. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. (Well… Have anal sex if that’s what you like. But for fuck’s sake, don’t go see “Endless Love.” That’s pretty much all I won’t do.)
I love y’all. 💕
While listening to Pandora Radio, an Adam and Eve ad came on and invited me to make this my “hottest Valentine’s Day ever” with a special coupon code.
Outstanding. Even the Internet knows my Valentine is going to be a vibrator. (To be fair, there will also be a nice dinner, wine, candles. Don’t worry, I treat my vibrators right.)
Um, yeah… The vibrator can take care of MOST bid-ness just fine, but I’m gonna need an actual man. God damn all of you, and your beautiful mouths, and the delicious pressure of your body on mine.
“I’ve got an itch to scratch, I need assistance…”
Smug Singleton 