What a way to go.

I think I hurt myself masturbating the other day. Either that, or it had been so long since anyone had accessed the region that maybe one’s virginity really CAN come back.

Anyway. I’m sharing this disgusting information only because, if this somehow kills me, as causes of death go, “complications resulting from copious and long-overdue masturbation (CALM)” is a pretty great one. Please make sure they put that on the death certificate.