SOMEONE BE AS MAD AT THIS AS I AM.

Greasy like Sunday morning…

I called a Lyft to take me to Federal Donuts.

I think I just got fatter.

Cognitive dissonance runs in the family.

My mother: “You really should watch your weight — too much salt and sugar will kill you.”

 

Also my mother: “Here’s a link to a bunch of pumpkin-flavored shit on sale at Williams Sonoma.”

 

👍🏼

“Whatever. I’m getting cheese fries.”

So, hey, ever get depressed about your weight and just think “Fuck it” and order a pizza AND cheese fries?

Ahem… Yeah, me, neither. I was just asking. Fucking ridiculous, right? What kind of dipshit-ass fake adult would do something THAT stupid…? *cough*

Baby Got Backfat

I love how they’re making cuter plus-size swimsuits, but can you cut it out with the string-held open backs? Baby got back fat, bro — those strings would disappear into the trenches.

Mmm, cheesy cognitive dissonance…

It’s unsettling to be simultaneously upset about your weight and also 100% sure that eating an irresponsible quantity of nachos is the only thing that’s going to make you feel better.

“Whatever, sea cow…”

Therapist: “So how’s it going with your body image as far as your vacation and trying on swimsuits?”

Me: “I mean, it is what it is. I can’t change much in 2 weeks, so…this is my body, I’m gonna go have fun.”

Therapist: “That sounds like a very healthy perspective. Good for you.”

Later, while trying on shorts…

Me: “Cool, so I’m basically a manatee.”

Aaand now I need more therapy. 🙄

Nope. No. This is not what’s going to happen.

I’ve been in a fight with my brain and frankly it’s winning, including skipping the gym all week and a triumphant return to feelings-eating that’s left me no longer able to see the changes in my body exercise had achieved.

But fuck you, Brain — I’m smarter than you. Nice people are delivering me healthy food so I’m prepared for Philly’s forthcoming bullshit snowstorm. So if you insist on staying indoors, that’s fine. But you are gonna drink weird fruit smoothies and do SOME form of exercise and have a goddamn productive day, and you are going to LIKE IT. And tomorrow you’re talking to the therapist.

Asshole.

No-talent assclown, never even won a Grammy…

Me: “My scale still hasn’t moved, but I can see and feel changes in my body, so I know the scale is just being a jerk.”

Therapist: “I’m glad you blame the scale. Some people blame themselves, thinking they have to exercise more often or restrict their diets more.”

Me: “No way. Why should *I* change? He’s the one who sucks.”

Aaand that’s how I decided to name my scale Michael Bolton.

Yo quiero a fatnap.

“How’s weight loss going?”

“Well, I worked out for 2 hours this morning, then had to WORK for 8, and now it’s 9 p.m. and taco delivery is on its way, and then I’m gonna go collapse in my bed in a fat, torpid, guacamole-infused heap, so…👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼“