What could you POSSIBLY want from me?

If there’s something weird that CAN happen with an ex-boyfriend, that weird thing is going to happen to me.

“Hey, what’s up, we never actually DATED 15 years ago, we just slept together, and never spoke again after I told you that needed to stop. But sure, by all means, send me a Facebook message request (because we’re not FB friends) that’s just the automated wave.”

I dated…SO many weirdos, you guys. And it’s ALWAYS the weirdos. No ex I WANT to hear from ever contacts me.

Also, I should mention that HIS WIFE has viewed my LinkedIn profile at least three times over the years. Maybe I’m in the running to be their guest star. (🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼!)

“Why? WHY?!”

It’s nice to spend time with my family. I feel so normal.

In kind of a maddening way, like…”Y’all know you’re fucking weird, right? Other people don’t do this. Why? WHY?!”

But I’ll take “normal” however I can get it.

“Wait…that’s not normal…?”

I swear my brain hurt so much less before I realized how weird my family is.

Frankly I blame my friends. Fuckin’ Normies.

Self-improvement via self-hatred

Note to self: LinkedIn is not a dating site. Stop being weird.

Also, it’s totally uncool to skip book club because there’s no one in the group you want to make out with. Get some culture, quit being an asshole.