Mercury in retrofuck

Y’all. Y’aaaaaalllll…

I hadn’t planned to post again, but I went back to Match after the last post, aaand… I don’t goddamn remember the clever blog pseudonym I gave this dude while we were dating, but we dated, and it didn’t end well, and since that end (which was…2014? 15?*), he has:

1. Left a Christmas gift on my doorstep while I wasn’t home. It was maybe June and I’d told him repeatedly since Christmas that I didn’t feel right accepting the gift, because HI. BREAKUP.

2. Texted and Facebook messaged just to say hey. (I ignored him every time.)

3. Made me realize I have, like, six boundaries and, in the month we dated, he’d disrespected them all.

Oh, and I later realized he’s kind of a racist. Not, like, a Klan racist — he wasn’t motivated enough to attend meetings — but one of those hometownie racists that only tells the racist jokes to white people because he thinks the white people are with him.

So. Obviously when I went back to Match, GUESS WHO HAD LIKED MY PROFILE.

What, from the bottom of my heart, THE FUCK?

I’m gonna go throw my phone in a river.

* EDIT: I just went back in WordPress and found out it was actually 2013. Jesus Christ.

Maybe she should’ve added some knock-knock jokes?

“I’m just sayin’, this audiobook about sexual assault didn’t have enough laughs for me. And MAN, she talked SO much about sexual assault! What about the GOOD things in life, huh?!”

What the unwieldy hell?

(Hunger, if you wondered.)

My brain is broken.

Yesterday my friends told me they ran into Guy I Dated For a Minute, and now for some reason it’s all I can think about.

I THINK it’s partly because my doctors are screwing with the drugs I take, so I hadn’t been in the greatest mental place, anyway, but it’s sort of spiraled into a fun rehash of the “not enoughs” — pretty, smart, cool, good in bed… All the things you think you can suck at, I’ve been telling myself I suck at. Like… this dude doesn’t even want to be FRIENDS with me. What the fuck is that? Am I THAT boring? I even offered him friends with benefits and…still no? So I’m not good enough in bed to fuck a third time?

And by the way? The sex was…serviceable. It was good, but not great. It got the job done. And the dude’s nice and all, but I think I mostly saw friendship there. I have no idea why this is bothering me so much NOW. We’ve been not dating longer than we WERE dating, and it HADN’T been bothering me before. I think I’m finally getting that we’re not going to even be friends, and so I just feel gross and used and stupid. Again. (I teared up while writing that, so it’s possible I nailed it.)

The “stupid” is big because I’m attracted to people smarter than I am, in relationships and friendships, and it goddamn blows to not even be friends-worthy.

*shaking head*

UGHHHHHH. Bitch, stop being a bitch, bitch!

(Here’s hoping putting this in writing is therapeutic, because my actual therapist is on vacation this week.)

Really? You didn’t think to…REALLY?!

Via Poynter: Seattle Times apologizes to readers for Clinton front page:

Aw. Well, that’s nice.

Ahem.

Your move, All the Other Fucking Papers that Did the Same Fucking Thing.

You are a terrible person and I hope bad things happen to you.

Via Raw Story: Prominent feminist writer drops off social media after rape threat against her 5-year-old daughter.

YOU ARE WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.

Honestly. The FUCK ails you? How do you even have time to do this? I have shit to DO. Go to work and get out your mama’s basement, shitheel.

In all seriousness, I’ve been wary of posting certain things here. Not that 46 followers are going to garner me much hatred, but the page IS public. I actually just found out a friend was reading who I didn’t know was reading, and I’m a little weirded out by it. Apparently I’m totally fine telling strangers about my vagina, but I get ishy when it’s people I know?

But anyway, once you start threatening to assault children, I give less than one iota of one fuck about your rights. I hope the FBI investigates your ass. Literally.

Not OK, Oklahoma. Not even a little.

Nice job, Oklahoma.

I’ll go start re-working the lyrics in your musical to include your jaunty, whimsical attitude toward sexual assault.

Oklahoma court rules that forced oral sex is not rape if victim is unconscious from drinking:

I’m probably not the only crazy person on OkCupid.

Oh, OK. So I can be messaging back and forth with a perfectly nice guy from OkCupid, and inadvertently say something that reminds me of my ex, then of That Guy, then back to my ex, and now I’m crying?

Sure, yeah — I am absolutely ready to be dating, even casually. It will not end badly at all. 

I understand this is how I move on, and I’m sure a time will come when it doesn’t feel like cheating, but…not so far. 

I could blame PMS, but I think I might just be ready to embrace my obvious destiny to die sexless and alone.

We’ll just add this to the therapy list. That woman is earning her money.

Today’s “What the Fuck?” brought to you by E! News

Um, I’m sorry, what the ACTUAL fuck?

What…the fuck?