Wait a second…
How am *I* dying alone while this dipshit walrus-lookin’ Hoarder with an old-school Nokia clipped to his belt is not only married but also has a sidepiece?
Motherfucker got ladies lined UP for that mustache ride, damn.
Y’all. Y’aaaaaalllll…
I hadn’t planned to post again, but I went back to Match after the last post, aaand… I don’t goddamn remember the clever blog pseudonym I gave this dude while we were dating, but we dated, and it didn’t end well, and since that end (which was…2014? 15?*), he has:
1. Left a Christmas gift on my doorstep while I wasn’t home. It was maybe June and I’d told him repeatedly since Christmas that I didn’t feel right accepting the gift, because HI. BREAKUP.
2. Texted and Facebook messaged just to say hey. (I ignored him every time.)
3. Made me realize I have, like, six boundaries and, in the month we dated, he’d disrespected them all.
Oh, and I later realized he’s kind of a racist. Not, like, a Klan racist — he wasn’t motivated enough to attend meetings — but one of those hometownie racists that only tells the racist jokes to white people because he thinks the white people are with him.
So. Obviously when I went back to Match, GUESS WHO HAD LIKED MY PROFILE.
What, from the bottom of my heart, THE FUCK?
I’m gonna go throw my phone in a river.
* EDIT: I just went back in WordPress and found out it was actually 2013. Jesus Christ.
My OkCupid profile says I’m “essentially looking for friends with benefits, but actual FRIENDS, with potential for something more if it eventually evolves.”
Today I get this first message: “Hey Smug..I tried fwb,..it doesn’t work. There’s always problems with feelings..someone always loses control.”
That’s the whole message.
Um…OK. See, what you wanted to say there, quietly and only to yourself, was: “This woman wants different things than I do. I will proceed calmly to the next profile.”
Not, “This woman is wrong. I must tell her why she is wrong, and that will be ALL I write, because SHE HAS TO KNOW SHE’S WRONG!”
What’s your endgame here, sir? What am I supposed to say?
“OMG, you’re right, Internet Stranger Who Clearly Has No Issues At All! I never thought of that! Tell me, Marlon Rando, what do YOU think I should want instead? Eagerly awaiting your wisdom, Smug.”
I need men for many things.* Explaining my needs to me is not one of them.
*Their hands. Mouths. Voices. Arms. Teeth. Body weight on me. Hips and the ability to thrust them…
Wait, sorry, what was I saying?
I got an introductory message from an ostensibly grownup man on OkCupid.
It seems as if he knows how to use words, he doesn’t look like a murderer or Warrant, and he didn’t offer me anal (at least not immediately).
I don’t understand…Can the site even work that way?
I should call the police, right?
(By the way, I have no idea what to say. Are you shitting me? It’s bad enough I have no game in person. Am I seriously a writer who can’t respond to some random dude on a dating site?!)
Smug Singleton 