Happy Holidaze!

Merry Christmas, you magnificent weirdos. I am grateful for you all. 

And also for pie.

And Paxil.

And wine. SO much wine.

But mostly for you all, I swear.

Pop Psych Tart

My therapist is sick and had to reschedule tonight’s session. (Or she actually hates me and just can’t even with my bullshit today so she’s playing hooky. Hard to say.)

Either way, I’m home eating Pop Tarts and drinking wine instead, which…kinda feels the same as therapy, but with less talking of feelings, more eating of feelings. 

Why don’t I do this every week? It’s a fuck of a lot cheaper and I don’t have to think about a damn thing except how delicious Pop Tarts are.

Coming soon: Dr. Kellogg’s patented (frosted!) therapeutic process for basic white girl problems (TM).

I am aging like the finest Boone’s Farm.

This morning I managed to hurt my back loading the dishwasher, which gives me high hopes for my body’s ability to withstand the kind of sex it needs to have.

Move along, Family, nothing to see here…

One of the worst things about having my whole family on my personal Facebook is that, in the past 24 hours, at least one of them has likely seen me “like” four different wineries, the Philly chapter of a suicide prevention organization, multiple rape counseling centers, and a national association for depression and mood disorders.

Um…it’s research?

Honestly, I just want to tour the wineries; I’m doing a 5K to support the suicide prevention group because I think it’s an important cause; I’m looking for a job at the counseling centers; and…well, I’m a depraved bastard who’s interested in mood disorders. *shrug* Y’all raised me.

Mo’ mommy, mo’ problems.

Bwah ha ha… “Throw some soft cheeses into the mix, unless you’re insecure about your weight because she sure mentioned that, too. You know what, you are going to need that cheese. And all the wine.”

My personal recent Mom favorites:

• “That’s a great length for a shirt. It covers your butt.”
• “This totally-the-opposite-of-your-hair color/style would look great on you!”
• “If you were going to have kids with anyone, I’d want you to have them with [Ex], because he’s smart.” (<– That one was 3 weeks ago. We broke up 3 years ago.)

Cheers, y’all!

Via Reductress: 6 Wines that Pair Well With Having Just Gotten Off the Phone with Your Mother

Cool Girl’s guide to holiday tEXting

It’s probably a good, healthy step this long after a breakup to not wish each other Merry Christmas, not out of anger or spite, but because you’re busy living your lives.

I mean, unless you’re me, and will sit here stewing about it at the end of the day but not saying it first because you sent the last text yesterday, and you have too much pride to say it first because remember you said “Happy Thanksgiving” first?

Ahem. Not that that’s happening… Because that would be lunacy.

My wine and I are going to bed.

That time I damned myself to hell before noon.

I asked my mother what I could bring to Christmas dinner, maybe a dessert or wine, and she said, “No worries, we’re all set for food, and we have enough to drink — there’s water and soda and juice.”

Oh. Oh, honey. Is it GIN and juice? Is there grape drank? (That’s what those Sunny D commercials meant by “purple stuff,” let’s be honest.)

See, I can’t get through Christmas with that big fake smile on my face without mixing pills and alcohol, Karen Walker style. Besides, if you read The Bible, you’ll learn Jesus turned water into wine because He WANTED us to be half in the bag on His birthday.

Jesus was a partier. Fact. He didn’t go all in with hats and streamers and all that, because that’s just excess, but He could knock back goblets of His own blood like nobody’s business.

“Somethin’ ’bout platinum, irrefutably…”

Pre-holiday haircut and color: “What doesn’t kill you only makes you blonder…”  

That free wine they provide is half the reason I keep coming back to this salon. (Post-apartment move, it’s annoyingly far.)

The other half, as I texted a friend:

Me: “My hair salon is next door to that bar with the cheesy pretzels, so I think a to-go order after my appointment is a must, no?”

Friend: “Otherwise you’re just wasting your life, honestly.”

I can’t waste my life, you guys.

#DrunkyCheesyDestiny

(Upon reflection, I wish I’d asked Friend to join me at the bar. We could’ve taken my faboo hair for a test run, and she’d be a great wingman. Plus, I reiterate, cheesy pretzels.)

Happy Thanksgiving!

A few things I’m thankful for this year, in no particular order:

1. All y’alls. (Or, in the words of my native people, “all-uh-yas.”)
2. Kids who aren’t mine.
3. Shonda Rhimes and Jenny Lawson.
4. Miranda Lambert and Anna Nalick.
5. “Silver Linings Playbook.”
6. Therapy and progress therein.
7. Prescription drugs.
8. My friends — “Boyz II Men, ABC, BBD, the East Coast fam-i-ly.” (Yep. Said it. Deal with it.)
9. Four straight days with no alarm clock.
10. Gravy.

There are more, but those are my favorites. Enjoy your day, guys. Gravy be with you. (And also alcohol, because let’s be honest…)

Prince Charming, Pinot. (Heh. I said “peen.”)

My handsome prince is here to rescue me!

(What? That’s a healthy attitude, right…?)