My body is a traitorous beast.

Oh, cool, I knew something didn’t feel right — I’ve been a complete ass about taking my birth control and now my body’s like, “We menstruate, yeah? Wheeee, we menstruate!”

No, really. Being a woman is magical. 🙄

Everyone aware of Mental Health? OK, good. Carry on.

forbesI hate posting things from, like, Billy Jo Bob’s Info site, but I found out May is Mental Health Awareness Month, so, to that end: Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Depression.

“Some people with depression may be plagued by low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness, yet function well on a day-to-day basis. Others may not be as affected by negative thinking, but buckle under heavy fatigue and pervasive apathy. Sadness could be considered a defining symptom of depression, but even that’s not always present: A person with depression might be overly irritable or emotionally numb instead of profoundly unhappy … Women with depression tend to have more anxiety than men, report more fatigue and hypersomnia (excessive sleeping), and tend toward lethargy.”

Oh, OK, cool, so it looks like BEING AN ASSHOLE.

THANKS, Science, way to be specific. 🙄

In which my ladyparts do Satan’s bidding.

OK, yeah, dude should be on a watchlist, but on the bright side, I’m totally referring to my insides as “my satanic ram’s head” at least once a month from now on.

“Y’all, I can’t go out tonight — my satanic ram’s head is back on its bullshit.”

Inspira-SHUN the Non-Believers! Shuuunnn!

So, tonight I attended a gathering of female entrepreneurs, and someone flagged my negative self-talk and offered me an affirmation card.

OK, shut up, assholes — I rolled my eyes, too. BUT. Picking a card at random, check out this prescient motherfucker right here.

I’m about to pay for EXTRA therapy for my past nonsense, but this card’s all, “Naw, girl, I got you.”

Fuzzy Wuzzy was unaware

A Facebook friend posted about how silly she was for being eager to get her period when she was around 11, and her male friend said, “Yeah, for men it’s shaving — when we were kids, we couldn’t wait to grow facial hair, but it’s such a hassle.”

Oh. Oh, honey…

*clasps hands*

Putting aside the non-visible symptoms of menstruation — bloating, cramps, irritability, etc…

What, pray, happens if you don’t shave for a week? You get fuzzier, no? Perhaps you get a little squirrely, maybe you need a trim?

But I’m gonna GUESS that if you just ignore that “hassle” for a week, and take no action whatsoever, you can probably still be seen in public.

Lemme just TRY to ignore my period for a week, to take no action, and go to work. Or on a date. Grocery shopping. The gym. Does that sound like a LITTLE more of a “hassle?”

Your wanton erections are probably a closer comparison. Or maybe if once a week your dick just leaked ejaculate for 5-10 days straight? Or, you know, if it just…bled?

Run along, sir. You’re needed at the Faulty Metaphor Factory.