Mansplain as can be

I don’t like the word “mansplaining.” I don’t think it’s a clever enough blend to have caught on the way it has, unless I’m misunderstanding. But I also can’t come up with anything better.

“Dicksplaining” at least gets the sound right, and mansplainers ARE often dicks, but it’s probably too late to win this battle.

Anyway. This is still a solid joke I saw on Twitter.

OK, Cupid. You win this round…

In the interest of fairness, here are some reasons I haven’t clicked “pass” on OKCupid profiles:

— I smiled at one of his photos. (Not in a mocking way. Either his smile made me smile back, or he was doing something funny.)
— One guy said he had “a super-rad dog who likes to chase squirrels and give high-fives.” I want to high-five your dog! Immediately! (Which kinda sounds like a terrible metaphor for sex but it’s not.)
— He enjoys wordplay.
— He seems smarter than I am. I especially loiter on profiles of older college professor types. UNF. Wear tweed, sir. Be my Giles. (Not a professor, I know, but he had that vibe.) Bonus points for elbow patches.
— Similar cultural or food interests.
— Looks a little like Lewis Black, in a hot way.
— Stupidly nice arms. (AND he seemed nice otherwise. I’ve passed on hot guys who seemed…without. But OMG, dude, once we talk a bit and then meet, can I touch your arms? Can I nibble them? Sure, whatever, dinner and a movie — fine. As long as the evening features your arms around me.)

I’m on it. Literally.

Is it wrong to want a vibrator purely because it’s hot pink and is pictured with cupcakes?
I’m a little peeved at the $139 price tag. Do you know how many things I could buy to put in my vagina for $139?

I found something similar on Amazon for $65. It should come next week. And so should I. Hey-o!

P.S. When you order a sex toy online, the phrase “track your package” becomes infinitely funnier.

Blogging Under the Influence.

My post-multiple-orgasm sleepiness is unparalleled.

Also, the word “sleepiness” sounds like it has the word “penis” in it. Because — ha! — the penis in you is what gives you the multiple orgasm, which is what makes you sleepy.

Hee. Slee-penis.

Slee. From the Latin for exhaustion.

Slee-penis. Literal translation: exhaustion caused by a penis.


Conversations over dinner…

Me: “I used to hate ‘box’ as a euphemism for ‘vagina,’ but I don’t know, I’ve kind of embraced it.”

Friend: “You’ve embraced your box?”

Me: “Well, at this point, embracing my box is like doing my laundry — no one else is gonna do it for me.”