I’ll just leave this here.

Profane in the membrane

My parents give me grief about being “educated” but using profanity, asking if that’s “the best I can do,” and “can’t I find a better way to express myself.”

Well, first off, fuck you.

But also? I’m a writer/editor, like, for money, so accurate use of language is kinda my thing. And there is no more accurate language for the world we’re currently inhabiting than a constant blue streak of every swear word I know, and likely some I don’t. I’m grateful I found Archer, because I don’t know how people CAN express their feelings effectively without saying things like “son of a shit-snackin’ whore.” SO glad I learned that one!

Plus, I’m sorry, WHO let me have the George Carlin and Denis Leary albums at age 12? Pfft. This is on y’all.

Date data

I wasn’t sure if I had a “date” this weekend, since the meek-ass bullshit email I sent him only said “hang out” and he hasn’t used definitive words in our texts, so hey, maybe for him we’re just hanging out as friends.

But he just said I’m pretty, so…

Heeeeeeeee…

I have a date. 😊

Mansplain as can be

I don’t like the word “mansplaining.” I don’t think it’s a clever enough blend to have caught on the way it has, unless I’m misunderstanding. But I also can’t come up with anything better.

“Dicksplaining” at least gets the sound right, and mansplainers ARE often dicks, but it’s probably too late to win this battle.

Anyway. This is still a solid joke I saw on Twitter.

Ain’t no shame in my Philly pizza game.

Oh, right, now I remember why I’d unfollowed the Be Well Philly page — I don’t do food guilt. They allude to it frequently and…no.

Tonight I order my pizza with a side of NO FUCKS.

Also? I’m sorry, but who the balls says “pizza pie” in Phila-goddamn-delphia?

That said, I’ll totally eat that pizza. And then probably some pie.

P.S. It’s entirely possible — nay, probable — that they were just being cute and I’m a total asshole. I just have a lot of feelings about pizza. 

Putting the “men” in “entitlement.”

A 27-year-old on OkCupid sent me an intro message the other night, and I wasn’t interested, so I deleted it without responding.

This morning he sent a followup message: “You’re too pretty to give up on. I’m very persistent!”

Sweetie? This brand of “persistence” does not end with you getting the girl. Please don’t make me get all J. Lo in Enough — no one needs to see my midriff, I’m too lazy to learn boxing, and I would look absurd with that haircut. So maybe just quit being a dick.

I’ve also noticed many profiles that say things like, “If I send you a message, it’s rude to just ignore it and leave me wondering. The least you can do is write back to say you’re not interested.” Um, no, actually. The LEAST I can do is ignore you. It’s one click to delete a message. Writing you back adds the effort of keystrokes, so… that’s more I’d have to do, not least. See how words work?

And boo hoo, a stranger finds me “rude?” Not polite and acquiescent like a proper lady should be? I’m sad. No, really. This is my sad face.

If a guy doesn’t respond to my message within a day or two, I don’t wonder — he’s not interested.

Via Body For Wife: She Doesn’t Owe You Shit

In which I equate my vagina with a Slip ‘N Slide

There’s a “self summary” section at the top of each OkCupid profile. The end of mine says: “I’m attracted to friends and romantic prospects who use their words. I don’t know what to do with first messages that only say ‘hey’ or ‘hi,’ and will delete them immediately. But getting them at least helps me quickly discern who’s reading about me as an actual human, versus who just looks at photos and wants to do naked things to me.”

On average, I still get one “hey,” “hi,” or “hello” each day. Almost always lowercase, no punctuation.

Since no one reads it, anyway, I might as well include the REAL explanation: “I am incredibly turned on by wit and language, and you can transform my ladybits into the world’s best/worst Slip ‘N Slide just by giving good email. Just ‘hi’ not only keeps my panties ON, it makes me want to go to JCPenney and buy some of those high-top beige cotton draw’s that, on a person as short as I am, can be pulled up far enough to tuck the waistband under my bra and fashion a really upsetting onesie. Use your words, be nice to servers, nibble the back of my neck, tend to my vagina with gusto, know what ‘gusto’ means, get yourself laid.”

I’m really not a difficult puzzle to solve.

You use your words, I’ll use your penis.

I can’t stand first messages on OkCupid that only say, “Pretty.”

You obviously think I’m pretty. The subtext of every online dating message is, “Hello. I find you attractive enough that I’d like to apply my penis to you in some way.” You could’ve shouted “pretty” from a moving car — it’s an online catcall. What else ya got? 

Similarly, messages that just say “hey” or “hi.” What am I supposed to do with that? You may as well have just grunted at me.

I don’t have many dealbreakers, but the ability to construct a half-decent sentence is a big one. In the past 5 years I’ve known three men I could’ve easily dated and gotten naked with for at least a year. The only thing they had in common was that they were quick-witted, smart, and good conversationalists, which made them IMMENSELY sexy. (OK, fine — they were also all adept at fingering.) I don’t need a writer, I don’t need flawless grammar. But I’m turned on by words, and men who use them, especially behind a keyboard, where you have time to craft. So I’m not settling for “hey.”

Addendum: As I was writing this post, a first message came in that said, “Hey baby. Mmm” — sweet merciful shit, are you kidding me? I AM A LADY, MOTHERFUCKER!

“It’s like a booby zoo.”

Sometimes I worry I’ll never be a “real” writer until I can adequately describe how good it can feel for me to take off my bra at the end of a day. 

There are days I don’t want anything other than myself or a man touching my boobs. This is one of those days. Bite my ass, bra.

“If you’re savvy, you’ll know what I’m tryin’ to say…”

Headline on Google News: “Six Phrases More Important than ‘I Love You.'”

Hmm…

1. “You look great today.”
2. “I brought you coffee.”
3. “I’ll keep going until you’re satisfied.”
4. “I’ll leave you alone to watch ‘Scandal.'”
5. “I cleaned up the house a bit.”
6. “Let’s get some pancakes.”

My needs are simple.