This year I am thankful for Netflix and pajamas.

Texting a friend after a chat with my boss…

The Wonderful Wizard of Poor Time Management

It seems silly to be single with no kids and only one job and say, “I don’t have the time or energy to deal with starting a relationship.” But I’ve just gotten home at 7 p.m. after an unexpectedly late evening at work, which isn’t unusual. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, and the only thing I want in me is tater tots and a glass of wine. And then I want to go to sleep like the fat, tranquilized bear that I am.

I’m having one of those weeks where I can’t understand how anyone has time to do anything, ever. You people are fucking wizards, I swear.

Professionally insecure

I had an insecure day at work, and I’m attempting to reason with the cunt-y part of my brain that’s telling me I’m complete shit at the ONE marketable skill I allegedly have.

But the thing is, the bitch in my brain doesn’t run on logic. So, “Hey, you still HAVE the job, and you just had a good annual review and got a raise!” And she’s like, “NOPE, doesn’t matter. You suck at everything and should just hole up in your hermit fortress and stare at the walls forever. Oh, and you’ll do that ALONE, as long as we’re planning.”

This part of my brain should be in Congress. Can’t tell that bitch SHIT.

But also, fuck you, Brain. I’m gonna give you sleep, then baked goods in the morning, and tomorrow will be better. You go ‘head and try talkin’ trash with a face fulla scone. Wench.

I outsmarted therapy.

How to Stump Your Therapist:

“I know thinking everything is pointless is a symptom of depression, but…five days a week, I leave a perfectly valid internet connection at my house to sit in rush hour traffic for an hour and drive to a *different* internet connection in a cubicle. I email files back and forth for 8 hours and then drive home, also in traffic, to return to my original internet connection. I’m pretty sure if you looked up the word ‘pointless,’ that would at LEAST be a secondary definition.”

And I’m not depressed currently, but Christ, that is depressing.

Jesus just cockblocked my lazy day

I took a couple days off, trying to alleviate some work burnout, and put myself on the waitlist for a popular class at my gym tonight. I figured if I got in, that was Jesus telling me to get off my ass and leave the house, and if not, clearly He’d prefer I stay home and watch comedy shows.

They just emailed me that I got in, and godDAMMIT, Jesus! This is why I’m not religious!

Ugh. FINE. I’ll do something “They” claim is good for mental health — fucking hippies tryna thwart the part of my brain that’s perfectly content being fat and depressed, thankyouverymuch. 🙄

Yo quiero a fatnap.

“How’s weight loss going?”

“Well, I worked out for 2 hours this morning, then had to WORK for 8, and now it’s 9 p.m. and taco delivery is on its way, and then I’m gonna go collapse in my bed in a fat, torpid, guacamole-infused heap, so…👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼“

Why…ARE people?

I was in a perfectly fine mood this morning after seeing many sweatered dogs at the farmers market. Dogs in sweaters are, like, bonus Paxil.

But then I spent 2 hours with my family, and got a few texts about work, and now I’m in bed with a blanket over my head and earplugs to block out any outside noise that may infiltrate my fragile senses.

Apparently even though the Pill stops my actual period, it doesn’t do much for PMS with a side of family and stress.

Anyone got any crack?

Patience is a virtue, but a finite one.

One day my filter will fail and I will not be able stop myself from asking another full-grown adult, likely a coworker, “How the FUCK do you not fall down more often?”

Yeah, no…

So far my favorite part of #TakeYourChildtoWorkDay are the notifications from all my child-free coworkers who are also opting to work from home.

Oh, hey! Something not awful!

Signing this for an office wedding shower. Nice work, Carlton Cards (and my rad, progressive workplace)! 💕🏳️‍🌈