No, thanks, I only eat air and cognitive dissonance.

My family, over the course of one 4-hour gathering: “Look how fat Aunt So-and-So got. And her husband’s no better, he’s about to keel over any day, he’s so big … Look at that woman on TV, she’s too heavy to be wearing that dress … Have you ever seen that show, My 600-Pound Life? So disgusting, I’d just stop feeding them all that junk if I were their caregiver … Hey, Smug, do you want some kielbasa or some cheesecake?”

Ummmmm… CHRIST the fuck, no. My surprise that I made it through life without an eating disorder is oddly filling.

“That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.”

I’ve been talking to other “open relationship” guys on OkCupid, because apparently I’m open-minded now (?), and motherFUCK me — leave it to me to find a Clinger in an open relationship.

How are you texting me every day, morning and night? Go text your main Bunny, Hef. The point of me exploring this option was that I wouldn’t meet clingy people. How have you pushed a potential sidepiece to my “Please stop talking” threshold in less than 4 days? Do you have to have the open relationship because you talk too much for one woman to handle?

I get the sense his lady has had more success with this setup than he has.

He asked if I was OK because my most recent texts haven’t been as enthusiastic or flirtatious, so I mentioned I was at work, and still debating if I can handle the open relationship.

He’s still talking, “joking” that it’s OK if I just want to be friends, but that I’ll change my mind when I meet him.

OK, Karma, you’ve made your point: I behaved like a desperate, slutty Clinger with That Guy. I realized that on my own, and have tried to adjust accordingly, even with friends (minus the “slutty” bit). Are we done here?

And good work, dude — congrats on being the reason I go back to giving people a Google Voice number instead of my real one.

Thankfully there’s still another open-married guy. Hee. We like him — he’s dreamy and wants to go down on me. I’ll have to name him. Probably, like…”Matt Trimony.” Heh. I’m clever.

Victoria’s Awkward Secret

I broke up with the last guy I “dated” shortly after Christmas. We broke up over the phone after a few weeks of not seeing each other. But I didn’t realize he’d bought me a gift, even though I’d told him not to. So he’d been texting me intermittently since then trying to arrange a time to give it to me, but the timing never worked out. I tried telling him to keep it, but he kept saying it wasn’t anything big and he wanted me to have it.

I stayed at a friend’s house this weekend, and got a text from the guy this morning asking if I was home. I said I wasn’t, and he said, “I was working in the neighborhood, so I left your Christmas gift outside your door.”

Ahem… “If it’s a severed head, I’m going to be very upset.”

I got home to find a gift bag with two cute little thoughtful things that, yes, were me-specific, and I could see where he just wanted them out of his house.

But then there was the gift card to Victoria’s Secret. Ummm…you probably could’ve kept that, sir. Much appreciated, really, but you do realize that if I use this to buy some lacy little thing, that’ll probably only benefit the NEXT guy, right? The “answering my door in lingerie” promotion is for current customers only.

Because I’m a weirdo, though, I’m using your money to buy a new sports bra. So I will think of you whenever I run and my breasts are neatly contained. (I’m a freak, and whatever I buy, I will always think, “He bought this for me.” So I can’t buy anything racy — it just feels weird.)

To be clear, I do feel like a dick about this whole situation, and I do appreciate him thinking of me. But you have to admit, the gift card was awkward.

Oh, what fresh hell is this?

I’m having an uncharacteristic and unappreciated craving for snuggles. What the shit? Even if I were to summon a snuggle buddy to my lair, I’d give it 10 minutes MAX before I got antsy and started thinking about pie.

I don’t snuggle. This is horseshit.