I see a lot of guys on OkCupid who use selfies as profile pics. Sometimes mirror ones. Often the mirror is dirty.
I have questions.
First, don’t you own Windex? Vinegar? A ShamWow? I can’t get naked in your home if your mirror is all bedaubed with toothpaste remnants. I’m a lady, dammit. Plus it’ll turn into that “Big Bang Theory” episode where Sheldon can’t sleep because Penny’s apartment is messy: “I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom is our living room, and just outside our living room is that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway is…THIS!” And I am damn sure not cleaning while you sleep.
Second, don’t you have ANY photos someone else took? Do you have friends? Only two of my six profile pics are selfies: a really cute one taken post-haircut/color, and one mirror one I took after work so I’d have a really recent pic. The caption says: “With apologies for the mirror selfie, this is what I look like after work.” (Not at all true — after work I put on yoga pants and put my hair in a ponytail. But I’ll never let any of these dudes see that.)
Some guys have like 10 selfies, but only ONE facial expression, so it’s like Flat Stanley or the Twilight chick — the same face in various settings. “Here I am at home. Here I am at work. Here I am in a bar. Here I am in a PUBLIC restroom mirror, just for a bit of added class. That’s right, ladies… Behold.”
I can’t decide if it’s progress or pathetic that I’ve become a woman who’s wearing saucy things to bed “just for me.”
It’s one of those things you see women on TV wearing to bed alone and you’re like, “The fuck? Don’t you own yoga pants? They’re great. Or better yet, do you know how good it feels to sleep naked? Or am I woman-ing wrong, as always?”
Progress, sure, because “for me” is the main reason I should be wearing anything.
But there’s also the subtext of wearing it “for me” by default because no one else is interested in seeing it. (I know, I know — not fishing, just in a weird headspace. I’d want to see me. I’m adorable.)
Edited to add: This thing is actually massively uncomfortable, so screw it, back to naked. But I’ll wear pretty underthings tomorrow. For me.
Note to self: Go to yoga. You like yoga. You need yoga.
Ahem… I SUPER don’t want to go. It’s “New Moon yoga” at 7:45, but because I am 100 years old, that might as well be midnight.
Can’t I just welcome the new moon, like, at home in yoga PANTS?
Besides, the new moon already happened this month, and I honestly don’t even know what a new moon signifies. I know it’s about cycles, so…does it have to do with my period? When you Google “new moon,” “Twilight” movies come up, so fuck the new moon.
How ’bout I just go home and make new moon nachos? Nachos are HELLA zen. I bet I can find all my inner peace with nachos.