How ‘bout NOga?

I didn’t THINK I was struggling with mental health, until I saw this and thought, “Oh, OK, sure. Meanwhile, YOU please consider some gentle kissing of my ass.”

Doing Myself Care

Well, shit. That sounds way better than what I WAS gonna do this weekend…

Sounds like a charmer…

Say what you will about my broken self-image, but at least I have the decency to blame MYSELF for the fact that I can’t get laid.

Via the Miami Herald: “Florida yoga shooter was a misogynist who wanted ‘crucifixion’ for ‘American whores.’”

Overthinking & overweight

Anxious American woman thoughts:

Am I fat ENOUGH to do fat yoga?

Will fatter women judge me?

Am I an asshole for even wondering?

Jesus, Amazon — I KNOW I’m fat.

Oh, hey… Kiss my dick, Amazon.

Equal opportunity genital chakras.

Holy shit, thank GOD they specified this yoga mat bag can be used by men AND women. I was wondering! (Read: I was not wondering. At all.)

Cost analysis of psychoanalysis

I’m going to my scheduled therapy session tonight, but only because if I bail last-minute I still have to pay them. But my brain is being super bitchy about it, presenting a compelling argument that it’s currently preoccupied with “too-busy-at-work stress” feelings, and we don’t talk about those, we eat and drink them, and frankly don’t even care to hear your stupid “healthier coping mechanisms.” Yoga won’t help, blow me.

For the money I’m ’bout to hand this broad, I could consume my weight in froofy martinis and fried food. I’m just saying, from a cost:benefit standpoint, we better fucking solve some big shit this session. I better leave with, like, NO abandonment issues.

Bring it, lady.

I’m not laid-back…unless you lay me back. Hey-o!

A man sent me an intro message on OkCupid that said, “I can tell from your profile that you’re very laid back, which I like in a woman.”

Um… no, I’m totally not.

The insanely thorough profile doesn’t really scream “Cool Girl,” does it? How’d you arrive at that? Show your work.

Also, when you say you like “laid-back” women, I’m reading that you like women who won’t bug you too much, because “BITCHES, man, amirite?”

NOPE. I don’t care about things some men seem to assume all women do. I won’t try to make you watch The Notebook or come to my yoga class or go shopping with me. (I’d actually prefer you didn’t.) But you’ll definitely know when something’s important to me. An ex of mine said I “hint with a hammer” — subtlety isn’t really my deal.

I also drink too much coffee and take a crack-based drug for ADD, so I’m almost always jittery. Plus I have massive trust issues, and assume fight stance quick when I think someone’s testing them — my brain basically turns into River Tam toward the end of Serenity, beating the shit out of the Reavers.

I am high-the-fuck-strung, sir.

Again, George Carlin says it better: “I’m not ‘laid-back,’ and I’m certainly not ‘mellow.’ I associate those qualities with the comatose. The solar system wasn’t formed because matter was laid-back; life didn’t arise from the oceans and humans descend from the trees because DNA was mellow. It happened because of something called ENERGY.”

Which chakra is my vagina?

Interesting choice, yoga studio gift shop.

Though I suppose a well-oiled lady garden is one way to achieve zen.  

In which I am at one with everything and everyone…

I MAY have just called the yoga DVD lady a bitch out loud, and told her that if I’m spreading my legs that wide, I better have at least one orgasm as a result.

So I’m glad to see I’m responding to the spiritual nature of regular practice.

In my defense, I’m in my living room and menstruating, and she’s doing yoga on a beach in a white bodysuit, so fuck her right in her third eye.

Ahem. Namaste.