Going for the gold in Fuckery

Screen Shot 2016-08-08 at 3.26.14 PMVia Huffington Post: The Media Is Saying And Doing A Bunch Of Sexist Stuff During The Olympics.

“A commentator said Team USA members looked like they ‘might as well be standing in the middle of a mall’ after they were caught on camera laughing and talking following their utter annihilation of the competition during the qualifying round.”

I really have nothing intelligent to say, but in fairness I think the only thing TO say is “Go fuck yourself.”

 

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See also: “Katie Ledecky swims like a man.” [upon protest] “It was a compliment.” Seen in this second article, because there was enough bullshit to write two: Stop Attributing The Success Of Women Olympians To Men.

You get NO stars, dickhole.

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I haven’t even finished my coffee and already today has been rife with odd coincidences. Mostly fun, but one especially unwelcome…

Remember that time an acquaintance stole one of my (very innocent) Facebook photos and used it as his profile photo on a fairly gross porn site?

Um, yeah, this morning I got an email that he’d accepted my invitation to be friends on Yelp. I cannot tell you the last time I even used Yelp, let alone friend requested this asshole, but best believe that shit just got shut down.

 

“Sounds like somebody’s got a case of the ‘go fuck yourself.'”

Sometimes I check a calendar and realize I can’t pin my unusually vehement annoyance on PMS.

This is even MORE irritating because it means I am not awash in hormones and perhaps over-sensitive. It means everyone is just an asshole.

Or I am. Hard to say. Except, you know, statistically.

“Fuck you. Fuck you very, very muuuch…”

Earlier I wondered if I’m walking around all Bitchface McIrritable at work today because I have PMS.

And then I saw this, got viciously angry, then weepy-sad, so… that answers that.

My body image has been hovering around decent lately, so I’m pissed this got to me, but Christ, this is what *I* look like, just shorter. People are fucking awful.

But then…Hm, I still think she’s hot, so I must be hot, too.

Right, then. Done and done. Good work, Brain.

Via E! Online and Hateful Fuckers Everywhere: Amy Schumer Slams Haters After Beach Body Criticism, Says She Looks ”Strong and Healthy”
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So many asshole jokes, so little time.

Well, I mean…They’re basically fucking the town in the ass, anyway. So maybe they’ll at least go to jail for THAT.

Instead of Helping Flint, Michigan Republicans Just Passed a Bill That Makes Anal Sex Illegal
FLINT

Putting the “men” in “entitlement.”

A 27-year-old on OkCupid sent me an intro message the other night, and I wasn’t interested, so I deleted it without responding.

This morning he sent a followup message: “You’re too pretty to give up on. I’m very persistent!”

Sweetie? This brand of “persistence” does not end with you getting the girl. Please don’t make me get all J. Lo in Enough — no one needs to see my midriff, I’m too lazy to learn boxing, and I would look absurd with that haircut. So maybe just quit being a dick.

I’ve also noticed many profiles that say things like, “If I send you a message, it’s rude to just ignore it and leave me wondering. The least you can do is write back to say you’re not interested.” Um, no, actually. The LEAST I can do is ignore you. It’s one click to delete a message. Writing you back adds the effort of keystrokes, so… that’s more I’d have to do, not least. See how words work?

And boo hoo, a stranger finds me “rude?” Not polite and acquiescent like a proper lady should be? I’m sad. No, really. This is my sad face.

If a guy doesn’t respond to my message within a day or two, I don’t wonder — he’s not interested.

Via Body For Wife: She Doesn’t Owe You Shitowe

Maybe he meant “work in progress” smart

Seeing an “overeducated” and seemingly insufferably cocky man describe himself as “wip smart” in his OkCupid profile makes me far too happy in my petty places.

Are you just too “overeducated” to heed the sage teachings of Stewie Griffin? ‘Cause my state school BA and life spent watching cartoons are serving me pretty well right now.

I scream, you scream, we all scream, “You’re an asshole!”

*sigh* Just…just… UGH. Go fuck yourself, seriously. Hard. With one of the scarier, more invasive dildos.

I don’t give a single kitten’s dick who you’re voting for — no one would have asked a man that question. No one.

Hmm… OK, wait, MAYBE someone would’ve asked Chris Christie. And whoever did would still be a total fucking asshole. But I’d wager they wouldn’t, because Christie probably could and would slap the Massengill outta ya for that kinda bullshit.

A friend of mine had a better reaction: “If you watch closely, there’s a split second where she turns and looks at someone who clearly GETS IT and her face just says, ‘FUCK THESE ASSHOLES. FUCK THE PATRIARCHY.’ At least, that’s what *I* saw. Then she visibly squared herself to take on the bullshit sexism of the world and had another bite of her fucking sundae.”  

Boosting morale and apparently also your dick

So, hey, Creepy Guy From Another Office in my Building to Whom I’ve Only Ever Said ‘Hi’ in a Small Talky Sense…

I have not “been on a diet.”

I have not “lost weight.”

I DO “look good,” but it’s pretty gross that you said ALL that while passing me in the hall. I realize I can’t get you to stop appraising my body, but it’d be SUPER great if you could stop reporting your findings aloud.

Worse, I said “Thank you,” because I’m an asshole, and am now wondering what kind of goddamn hambeast I looked like before. (I look fine, it’s just my dress — sundresses are very kind to my body.)

By the way, yes, I do think I’d be this pissy if it were an attractive man who said it. Because you brought my weight AND dieting into your “compliment,” implying my weight until today had been somehow suboptimal. So fuck you twice-baked.

P.S. By the way, dicknuts — depression, anxiety, and stress can also cause weight loss. In my case, so can being on drugs that screw with your appetite and hopefully prevent you from going crazy. But hey, I’m thrilled I’m able give you your Monday lunchtime semi. I’ll go find out who I speak to about adding “fluffer” to my business card.