How to Care for Your Singleton

No, no, New Lad. You’re on the wrong page of the “How to Care for Your Singleton” manual. You’re in the Appendix of Antonyms, the things that give her anxiety attacks.

Please refer to page 3, subsection 8, the list titled “Quick Fixes,” and apply any of the following easy remedies: ice cream; Mexican food; ice cream shaped like Mexican food (see also the Choco Taco Corollary); a not-too-girlie girlie martini; a 15-minute hug with no sexual intention; or a book deal.

Thank you,
Smug Management