Going for the gold in Fuckery

Via Huffington Post: The Media Is Saying And Doing A Bunch Of Sexist Stuff During The Olympics.

“A commentator said Team USA members looked like they ‘might as well be standing in the middle of a mall’ after they were caught on camera laughing and talking following their utter annihilation of the competition during the qualifying round.”

I really have nothing intelligent to say, but in fairness I think the only thing TO say is “Go fuck yourself.”

 

See also: “Katie Ledecky swims like a man.” [upon protest] “It was a compliment.” Seen in this second article, because there was enough bullshit to write two: Stop Attributing The Success Of Women Olympians To Men.

Really? You didn’t think to…REALLY?!

Via Poynter: Seattle Times apologizes to readers for Clinton front page:

Aw. Well, that’s nice.

Ahem.

Your move, All the Other Fucking Papers that Did the Same Fucking Thing.

BRB, applying for jobs at the Pelvic Task Force.

Google News headline: “It’s unclear whether yearly pelvic exam is necessary, task force says”

Subhead/lead: “The annual pelvic exam is uncomfortable, invasive – and might not be necessary for healthy women. Or is it? There isn’t a clear answer.”

Well. Saved you a click, then. The full article likely explains both sides, but I don’t need to know details of “There isn’t a clear answer.” I’m just gonna keep being reassured annually that my business is up to code as long as insurance will let me, because symptoms of lady cancer are, like, being tired and getting your period, so…yeah. I’ll just continue being appraised on the annual, thanks.

Also, maybe I’m weird, but I don’t find the exam that uncomfortable or invasive. Sure, a stranger is in your bits, so that’s never ideal. But I’d rather be uncomfortable talking about the weather while someone is penetrating me once a year than be uncomfortable because I have cancer.

P.S. How do I become a part of a Pelvic Task Force? I enjoy pelvic tasks.

Equality: You’re not helping.

No, see, when we say we want “equality,” we don’t mean “We want men to ALSO be Photoshopped behind recognition and also possibly beyond humanity.”

Is that even a person? I know it’s allegedly John Cena, but they made him look like a damn cartoon.

Though I’ll give them props for “The sex robots are coming!” Tee hee.

 

So many asshole jokes, so little time.

Well, I mean…They’re basically fucking the town in the ass, anyway. So maybe they’ll at least go to jail for THAT.

Instead of Helping Flint, Michigan Republicans Just Passed a Bill That Makes Anal Sex Illegal

Underground Railroad, Above-Ground Stupidity

The shit we BITCH about… She’s not SMILING?!

I can’t imagine why. The Underground Railroad seemed like a real hoot.

It IS a shame she’s not smiling, since all those white dudes on my money are happy as fuck. They’re ALL whimsy and shenanigans, sticking out their tongues, one’s got a friend doing bunny ears behind his head. And OMG, it’s totes hilar-balls how Franklin’s got one of those moustaches on a stick on the $100 — motherfucker was so jolly, Santa Claus asked him for pointers. In fact, Franklin advised Santa to get the reindeer. *nod* I think I read that somewhere.

Via The Guardian: ‘Cheer up, love’ – why is Harriet Tubman being told to smile 100 years after her death?

Photoshop. You’re doing it wrong.

In response to the cover, Washington writes: “It felt strange to look at a picture of myself that is so different from what I look like when I look in the mirror. It’s an unfortunate feeling.”

According to the USA Today article:  “Adweek‘s editorial director James Cooper tweeted that her hair was the only ‘adjustment’ the magazine made.”

Um… My pasty, dimpled ASS, that’s all you adjusted. Why does she look like Clair Huxtable, then?

 

 

What’s the opposite of helping?

Seen on a t-shirt on a lady shopper at Target: “Act like a lady, think like a boss.”

Oh. Oh, honey. I know you think you’re helping, but you’re really not. 

In which Amazon offers unnecessary support to my vacant uterus.

Normally the Internet is one of my favorite things, but sometimes it can be kind of an asshole.

Like when I ask Amazon to send me a book about being child-free because it’s written by a comedian I’m currently obsessed with (Jen Kirkman — ladies, go watch her Netflix special. Gentlemen, sorry, no guarantees). So I’m mostly reading it because it’s a book by a funny woman — I’d read whatever book she wrote, but this one happens to be about not having kids.

But then Amazon’s all, “Oh, hey! I see you like books about being a Barreness. HERE ARE 600 MORE books about it!”

I’m good, Amazon, really. I don’t need THAT much support. Thanks, though.

(My personal favorite was when I bought the clutter book, and Amazon was like, “Would you like us to send you a shit-ton of other books about clutter?” YOU’RE NOT HELPING, AMAZON!)