The culmination of years of bitterness about having a flat ass…

This probably doesn’t help my friends’ perceptions of me as an uptight, convent-raised prude. But I’m pretty sure I couldn’t get up on stage at the symphony and shake my ass around, Mix-a-Lot notwithstanding.

Sir Mix-a-Lot Takes ‘Baby Got Back’ Classical With Seattle Symphony

I guess it would be a great story: “OMG, Becky, remember that time we rolled up on stage at the orchestra and pseudo-twerked our flat, rhythmless asses for the amusement of a one-hit wonder from the ’90s?* Totes YOLO, amirite? Totes.”

Ugh. You’re at the SYMPHONY, not a goddamn bachelorette party at the Jersey shore. (Also, that girl DEFINITELY Cabbage Patched. Oh, honey…)

I think I’m just bitter that I ain’t gotta motor in the backa my Honda. His anaconda wouldn’t want none.

* “Put ‘Em on the Glass” was not a HIT. How dare you?

Gotta get dirty to get clean!

So… The idea behind “washboard abs” is that I rub myself all over him and get clean, right?

Because I’m suddenly feeling very, VERY dirty. (In the best possible way.)

(Yes, I know he’s gay, and married. And? “My special gift has always been impossible relationships.”)

Quotable WordPorn

As seen on the WordPorn Facebook page:

I have wine, and the moon is right outside. Now, about that kissing…

Quotable feminism.

Quotable Jessica Valenti:

Tweeting the event for Texas Women last night got me a TON of replies calling me a whore. What’s funny is that being called a ‘slut’ is part of the reason I became an activist as a young person. So keep it up assholes – every time you call a girl a whore, a feminist gets her wings.

Yes, finally… My “plus-size” role model.

So. This woman is a “plus-size” model.

Welp, fuck it. I’ma eat cheese fries. I’m clearly a goddamn heifer. Might as well go for it.

Pulling out always saves money.

A friend sent me this image and said, “According to my birth certificate I’m turning 35 in another month …. but nope, still 12.”

My response: “Bwah ha ha. NICE. And just think, it’s a Babies ‘R’ Us ad, so if they’d pulled out a little sooner, they wouldn’t even have to shop there. HEY-O!”

On body image…

Oddly, the only time I’m NOT self-conscious about how my body looks is during sex. Because:

a) I don’t think my partner has enough blood in his brain to judge;
b) if he is judging, I’m reasonably sure he’s still delighted that a naked woman is writhing on top of him;
c) if he’s truly revolted by something, he can piss off, because he doesn’t deserve to be in me; and
d) anything either of our bodies is doing out of pure pleasure is AMAZING to watch.

BUT.

This woman wrote this: “I do vaguely realize that I can’t be some kind of deformed unicorn, a rare and uniquely hideous creature fit only for sex that a medieval Catholic theologian would approve of. ”

And so now I must share this article with you all.