“Your Honor, please allow me to explain…”

I mean…we gotta kill this guy, right? I don’t WANT to, but I’m not really seeing any alternative.

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Gimme

Friday night I signed up for Bumble. Late Saturday night I sent messages to eight entire men. Today I’m staring at the phone waiting for the guy who looks like a more reserved Pete Holmes to write me back, because damn, dude, HIGH TIDE.

(If you haven’t heard the Holmes bit, the high tide is in my pants.) 🌊

No, thanks, I have to go to the edge of my village.

I’m signed up for a heated high-intensity interval training class this morning, but I let a different doctor tell me I “have to” have a period once in a while, so that’s also happening, and now I’m far more interested in lying on the floor and actually dying.

Aaand this is why the FIRST doctor told me to take the pill so I don’t menstruate. You don’t have to. I KNOW you don’t have to. I don’t know why I let her tell me otherwise, but I am never doing this bullshit again if I can help it.

If children are our future, I think we’re fucked.

It takes a lot out of me to pay too much attention to people being terrible and angry, but based on the high-level information I’ve seen, this kid is garbage human. I hope he gets his first STD very soon, and that it’s one of the suuuper itchy ones.