Heh…heh… [Beavis laugh]

OK, yeah, judging from the accompanying photo, the Living Social deal for “unlimited open bounce” probably doesn’t mean what my brain took it to mean.

But I still went full Beavis on it.IMG_1798.PNGI’d probably also want that to cost more than $6. But snacks are always a happy bonus, and it’s great to see them recognize the importance of hydration — unlimited open bounce is a marathon, not a sprint.

Genetic GPS.

I love spending time with my family. Well, OK, not really. But I do enjoy the opportunity to see my genetic potential for Crazy in its natural habitat and take steps to steer around it. It’s like a red traffic alert on your GPS: “Oh! Well, better not take THAT road.”

True, we’ve already established that I live on Uptight Pike, take frequent tours of the OCD Factory, and have become Foursquare mayor of the Nunnish Modesty Boutique. But I’ll be goddamned if I’m finding myself at Hoarding-Precious-Moments Junction.

In which I coin the phrase “toot my own vagina.”

Reasons I’ve Clicked “Pass” on OKCupid Profiles: General Profile Infractions, Part 2

— He says he doesn’t like “prissy, materialistic, high-maintenance women,” but one of his profile pics is of just his car…an Audi. (I’m more of a Hyundai fetishist, myself.)
— He’s making a peace sign in more than one of his profile photos. I’m not against peace, but for fuck’s sake, you’re a grown-ass man, not a 10-year-old girl.
— Similarly, he has one or more photos in which he’s flipping off the camera. If you’re giving me the finger in your profile photo, you’re never giving me that finger in my body. (And, not to toot my own vagina, but that is your loss. Like, a lot.)

That no-talent assclown…

Ever see that show “@midnight” when they do the Hashtag Wars?

Even if you haven’t, I’m pretty sure you’d agree that “Time, Love, and Breast Tenderness” would be a contender if the hashtag were #PMSsongs.


Additional prospects…
“Rock the Bloat”
“Baby Got Back Pain”
“Pour Some Sugar in Me”

OK, Cupid. You win this round…

In the interest of fairness, here are some reasons I haven’t clicked “pass” on OKCupid profiles:

— I smiled at one of his photos. (Not in a mocking way. Either his smile made me smile back, or he was doing something funny.)
— One guy said he had “a super-rad dog who likes to chase squirrels and give high-fives.” I want to high-five your dog! Immediately! (Which kinda sounds like a terrible metaphor for sex but it’s not.)
— He enjoys wordplay.
— He seems smarter than I am. I especially loiter on profiles of older college professor types. UNF. Wear tweed, sir. Be my Giles. (Not a professor, I know, but he had that vibe.) Bonus points for elbow patches.
— Similar cultural or food interests.
— Looks a little like Lewis Black, in a hot way.
— Stupidly nice arms. (AND he seemed nice otherwise. I’ve passed on hot guys who seemed…without. But OMG, dude, once we talk a bit and then meet, can I touch your arms? Can I nibble them? Sure, whatever, dinner and a movie — fine. As long as the evening features your arms around me.)