Dispatches from the department of dubious sexual metaphors…

Dear Coffee,

It’s OK. I forgive you for hopping out of your cup and onto BOTH the white shirts I’m wearing today, first thing in the morning so I have to walk around all day with three faint splotches of coffee on my chest.

I know you didn’t mean it. You’re just enthusiastic, and I love that about you. I wish more things were that eager to get inside me.

Though, for future reference, you don’t have to do it on my chest. I will happily swallow you, then beg for more. But if that’s what you need, you do you, my love.

All is forgiven, for you are my one true savior.

Love,
Smug

*cough* Well, *I* certainly never…

Via Reductress: 5 Selfie Angles You’ll Use Just to Show Off Your Boobs

Therapeutic baked goods

My therapist told me to eat carbs, including my beloved corn muffins if that’s what I want.

I’m alternating between “BOOM! MUFFIN SCIENCE, MOTHERFUCKERS!” and “I need a new therapist.”

Semi-annual reminder that your vagina is vile.

I just saw a YouTube ad encouraging women to wear a scented pantyliner EVERY day.

“Just a reminder, ladies: Your vagina is super gross and shouldn’t even come into contact with washable undergarments. Any of that ‘natural’ nonsense that happens in the region should be relegated to a disposable sliver of chemically scented fabric and thrown into the landfill where it belongs, never to be seen, smelled, or spoken of.”

Sundae fun-day!

When I finally indulge a weeks-long craving for a brownie sundae, I do NOT fuck around.

#EatingMyFeelings #ThisIsWhyYoureFat

“Everything he lacks, well, he makes up in denial”

Damn, man… They aren’t even pretty fly for some white guys.
What’s Missing From This Photo of Politicians Deciding the Future of Women’s Health?

The only things you’re activating are my body image issues.

I wish it wasn’t necessary for models who are shaped like me to be labeled “body activists,” but she is cute as all hell, and I love her hair, so I’ll take it.

An apology on behalf of my breasts

Dear Everyone Who’s Told Me I Should Watch My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,

I am so very sorry I didn’t listen. My entire life is canceled until I’ve seen them all.

Sincerest apologies from me and my heavy boobs,

Smug

Are we sure he’s not Massengil, Jr.?

Ugh. You can smell the douche on this douche from 50 paces.

“Forest Pine: The new fragrance from Summer’s Eve.”

Freedom of Information (to not) Act

My plans for today got canceled, so now I’m high on my freedom to sloth about and not be human again until Monday.

*glaring at bra drawer* Not today, Satan.