If my pizza place had any sense, they would sell my dinner tonight as some kind of PMS Special. Like a McDonalds combo — you could just ask for the PMS #5 and it’d be nachos and a chocolate milkshake. Or there could be a column system: one salty and one sweet, with an optional drizzle of our house-blended mansplainer tear reduction.
Yeah, this should definitely be a thing.
Ahem…
*taps mic*
Fuuuuuck youuuuu.
They told me to take my birth control in a way that stops my period, which is great, until I get irrationally angry at stupid people commenting on online weather forecasts and am forced to remember I apparently CAN still have PMS.
But seriously. Goddamn, people are so fucking stupid.
Text to friends, based entirely in fact and science:
“They put me on the pill and said I could start it whenever, so I did, but I think my body was already preparing its regular PMS festivities, and when I added bonus hormones I fucked up its groove, because now I hate goddamn everything except you guys and Egg McMuffins.”
A Facebook friend posted about how silly she was for being eager to get her period when she was around 11, and her male friend said, “Yeah, for men it’s shaving — when we were kids, we couldn’t wait to grow facial hair, but it’s such a hassle.”
Oh. Oh, honey…
*clasps hands*
Putting aside the non-visible symptoms of menstruation — bloating, cramps, irritability, etc…
What, pray, happens if you don’t shave for a week? You get fuzzier, no? Perhaps you get a little squirrely, maybe you need a trim?
But I’m gonna GUESS that if you just ignore that “hassle” for a week, and take no action whatsoever, you can probably still be seen in public.
Lemme just TRY to ignore my period for a week, to take no action, and go to work. Or on a date. Grocery shopping. The gym. Does that sound like a LITTLE more of a “hassle?”
Your wanton erections are probably a closer comparison. Or maybe if once a week your dick just leaked ejaculate for 5-10 days straight? Or, you know, if it just…bled?
Run along, sir. You’re needed at the Faulty Metaphor Factory.
Oh, cool, OK — mine are heavy, too, and it’s inconvenient and sometimes debilitating and they’re sending me for a just-in-case CANCER TEST, and all sorts of other awful health shit can cause it, but sure, yeah, let’s go with “bad hygiene.” 🖕🏼
Via Glamour: Woman Sues Former Employer for Firing Her Over a Heavy Period
1. Salad is stupid. Fuck off with your leaves, salad. I’m not a goddamn giraffe.
2. Trying to solve problems without burying them in fried cheese is like trying to count to purple.
3. Jesus turned water into wine because even HE knew water is some bullshit.
I need to start keeping better track of my menstrual cycle so I can at least see some reason in being a puffy, disgusting cheese monster.🧀👹🔪
Via Glamour: Actress Melissa Rauch Announces Her Pregnancy and Reflects on the Heartache of Miscarriage.
“‘Miscarriage’ by the way, deserves to be ranked as one of the worst, most blame-inducing medical terms ever. To me, it immediately conjures up an implication that it was the woman’s fault, like she somehow ‘mishandled the carrying of this baby.’ F that so hard, right in its patriarchal nut-sack.”
It’s one of those menstruation days on which I’m so irrationally exhausted that I’ve become suspicious of the entire process, as if my body is somehow shedding things it shouldn’t, like…”No, no, we NEED that, what are you doing?!”
Before I left the house today I just threw a bunch of pills in my face and chased them with a bucket of coffee. Screw it, it’s bound to fix something.
Smug Singleton 